Letter to FBS Schools: Stop Scheduling North Dakota State

Hide your children and your wives. If you're an FBS team welcoming a herd of bison to your city, board up the windows and run, because that herd of bison has no intention of leaving empty-handed.

North Dakota State pulled off a 23-21 upset victory in Iowa City on Saturday, but it was something only the most cynical of Hawkeyes fans saw coming.

So it's time for the FBS and all 128 of its member schools to learn something: never schedule North Dakota State.

The Bison are 7-0 all-time vs. FBS schools, including 6-0 since 2010. Along the way, Minnesota (x2), Kansas, Colorado State, Kansas State, Iowa State and now Iowa have learned nothing good can ever come from playing NDSU.

As if taking wins from FBS schools wasn't enough, NDSU likes to stuff its pockets full of money as it pillages your campus. Each FBS school has been kind enough to invite the Bison to play for lump sums of money, totaling $2.175 million since 2010.

Playing NDSU only leads to embarrassment. It's like going on a date. Things are going well, and as you get to the front door, you're asked in for coffee. It seems innocent enough, but who the heck wants to drink coffee late at night? You enter the home, telling yourself you'll stay for one drink and then call it quits. But we all know that's not what actually happens.

The next morning, you wake up early and realize what a terrible mistake you've made. You try to sneak out of bed and out the door, sprinting to your car or calling for a cab and hoping nobody you know just saw you at your darkest hour.

So please, FBS schools, enough with the one-night stands. For your own sake, stop scheduling North Dakota State.